How to build a bonfire

Get organisations to give you wood, this year Albright, Brian Jackman, Macmillan Distribution Limited, A A Wolfenden and S H J Piper donated the wood and Wolfendens, S H J Piper and Safeline Couriers moved it all as close as they could to the bonfire site. Given that the site was on a water meadow with only narrow footpaths suitable for wheeled vehicles this was not easy and a lot of man handling was required just to get the material to where the fire was to be built.

Then the fire was built by creating a u shaped base of pallets which became ever higher. Lifting pallets up to put on top of a 10' pile is a lot cheaper than paying for membership of a gym, and might be more fun!

The gap in the U was to allow the fire to be lit as the pallets are made of thick and, in some cases, damp wood - for those want save on gym fees, damp pallets are even more effective body building aids.

Luckily the Whitchurch Festival Committee's Minute Taker and doer of all things which the rest think are beyond them, Cindy Dunlop, spotted that the team was flagging at ~ 12.30 and brought copious quantities of fish, chips, pies, sausages etc to revive it.

By this stage the fire looks remarkably like a very large heap of pallets (or Wendy House as one of the team, who presumably had a slightly strange up-bringing, called it). To turn it into a real bonfire cover all exposed surfaces with sheets of timber, old doors and branches.

Advice was kindly given by the Whitchurch Fire Brigade on how to safely start the fire - splashing petrol on the fire to "make it go" is actively discouraged. So one member of the team set to breaking up some of the thinner wood into "bonfire kindling" - for those seriously into body building you can break up full sized pallets. The Team decided not to try this method. Also keep some unsoaked dry thinner wood to one side (see below).

Then invite a few folks round to see the fire.

When it gets dark sneak into the gap in the fire (unseen by the folks), armed with a torch and a lighter - damp Autumn nights do not make the use of matches a reliable option - and light the paraffin soaked wood. The kindling will catch fire quickly and the dry thin wood can be put on the embrio fire. Very quickly you will have a good fire within a fire and the pallets will catch fire but be hidden from view by the solid timber and timber stacked around them. If all goes well the flames should burst dramatically through and a raging inferno appear apparently instantly.

As the fire dies down, get some of your chums to risk their lives setting off some seriously large fireworks.

Having successfully done the above, arrange for someone else to do all the moving, lifting and piling of pallets and wood and adopt an advisory role!